how to ruin your fabulous massage in 3 simple steps …

I go to an AWESOME day spa! I have an AWESOME massage guy! Let’s just call him Sweet Baby Ray. My massage today was nothing short of spectacular, and NO, I didn’t get a happy ending. All of the discomfort was inflicted by none other than … me. And trust me when I say there was discomfort.  Here is your guide to How to Ruin Your Fabulous Massage in 3 Simple Steps …

Simple Step #1. Do Not Shave Your Legs – when you are racing through the shower the night before your massage when you have 20 minutes to get yourself ready and you haven’t showered in only God knows how many days, and you must wash the most important parts RIGHT FUCKING NOW because you cannot be late for wrestling practice because the coaches have been sending nasty-grams out all week about how all the parents are slackers and we all suck so get your asses to practice and you also better get your asses to the meets early to help set up the GD gym and while all these thought of murdering the wrestling coaches are running through my head, all I can hear is the wrestling match that is going on on my bed. Oh, and why the fuck did my shower take so long you ask? and by long, I mean 11 minutes. That would be because I have to wash my entire body with a special PRESCRIPTION ANTI-FUNGAL shampoo because my dirty ass wrestler kids brought me home a present from wrestling. NO, they don’t have it! JUST ME!  Did I get side tracked? Anyway, in my 11 minutes of showered out bliss, I had no time to shave my legs, and by the time I realized it this morning, Sweet Baby Ray was already asking me to get naked.


Simple Step #2. Down 16 Ounces of Gas Station Coffee – immediately prior to entering the spa on an empty spa and prior to your morning constitutional.  This adds an extra layer of extreme discomfort that even I am uncomfortable discussing in public, but what the hell?  Sweet Baby Ray asks me what I would like him to focus on today, and I replied that I would like him to work on my shoulders and neck as I was hoping that this would avoid an uncomfortable situation due to complications with Simple Step #1.  As he was gettin’ it on my neck and shoulders, that damn coffee was also gettin’ it. Good God was it gettin’ it! He kept asking me “Is that pressure OK, Miss Kelly?” Oh, yeah Ray, JUST FINE!  I was clenching like a madwoman from the massage work and clenching it down beow at the same time fearful that the tiniest slip might blow the lid off that Duchess Oven! Lucky for Sweet Baby Ray I kept it all in. You’re welcome, Ray.


Simple Step #3. Have a Cold – This allowed me to wonder if Ray was going to slip because my nose was running like a sick daycare kid in the middle of February! I am talking train tracks, baby! Oh, poor Ray.  I kept looking to see if he was wearing shoes or socks, thinking please be shoes, please be shoes! I can just imagine what a CSI light would show in that room after what happened in there today.  Then when he flipped me over he said “OH! Do you need a tissue, Miss Kelly?” I’m sure I looked fabulous! Sorry about that, Ray!


I cannot rave enough about how awesome Ray is. I’m sure he has other feelings about me. I’m a good tipper, though, so he always has a smile on his face when he sees me!  See you in two weeks, Ray! Sniffle, snifle, Faaarrrtttt!


for the happy,




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